Against a “Traditional” View of Marriage and Singleness

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

-Ephesians 5:31-33, ESV

Picture in your mind a “traditional” marriage. I mean Leave it to Beaver traditional marriage. In most people’s minds, you’ve pictured marriage as the Bible describes it. And that’s the problem. Our culture has framed the struggle about marriage as “traditional” marriage or something fresh and new. But, we do a great disservice to the Bible and the institution of marriage when we don’t more carefully examine what the Bible teaches. Christian marriage is not the Cleavers. It is instead this incredible picture of the relationship between Christ and the church lived out in miniature. Meaning that, while the relationship itself has clear Biblical duties and definition, the roles and specifics of how those duties are accomplished are very adaptable to each husband and wife. So, not every wife is to be June Cleaver, pearls and apron in place as she prepares a veritable feast for her husband’s arrival from the office.

Let me give a practical everyday example to help fill out the point. The Bible lays on me as a husband the duty to love my wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. My wife hates doing dishes. (emphasis hers!) One of the ways that I love and serve my wife is by washing dishes. It isn’t “traditional” but, it is Biblical. And that is just my point.

Take singleness as another expression of this. Our culture is full of ideas about how single adult should behave and define themselves and so on. Even the Christian sub-culture has a number of unhelpful ideas in this regard. Most people in our society would reject any ‘traditional’ view of being single as passé.  I would argue it is also not Biblical. The idea of single life as a less-than full or rich until you find the “one” didn’t come from the Christian faith or the Bible. (See 1 Cor. 7:25-35 for example) The Bible and especially the Christian faith says that no human relationship will complete us. We are only finally fulfilled when we find ourselves in Christ. It is our relationship with Him that should define us first and foremost (single or married). It is in Him and Him alone that we find all that our hearts long for and chase. It is our relationship with Him that will last forever. And that is radically not traditional or culturally acceptable.

As it turns out, the Bible doesn’t advocate a “traditional” view of marriage or singleness but rather a radically Gospel centered view of both. Priscilla and Aquila, wife and husband team serving together to plant churches and train leaders (see Acts 18:18-26). Lydia, a single, business-owning lady as the founding member of the church at Philippi (see Acts 16:12-15). A call on husbands to love, cherish and nourish their wives in a culture obsessed with sex and in which women were routinely treated as property. A call on husbands to sacrificially put his wife first was unheard of in ancient Rome.

Many in our culture will continue to argue for ‘traditional’ marriage and singleness, even more will argue against it. I would humbly ask that as followers of Jesus we instead seek to live out the radical, Gospel-rich definition of both which is unfolded to us in the Scriptures.

For introspection:

When I read/hear passages on marriage or singleness in the Bible how much does my cultural framework shape the text? What will help me as I try to understand what the Bible is teaching that will not fit in my cultural framework?

For further study:

The Meaning of Marriage. Keller, Tim and Kathy.

WEDnesday discussion Questions: (please note there are Married and Single discussion questions):

For Singles Discussion:

·         Often our culture (and maybe especially the Christian sub-culture) pushes on us the idea that we are incomplete until we find “the one” who will be our human partner. The Gospel presents instead the reality that we are incomplete until we find ourselves in a life-giving intimate relationship with Jesus. How do you remind yourself that in Christ you have all that you need, the one forever relationship that will define you the most?

·         Christianity dignifies and lifts up singleness as a significant opportunity to serve Christ and His Kingdom in ways that married people cannot. (See 1 Corinthians 7:25-35) What are specific ways that you’ve found to leverage your singleness for Christ and His Kingdom? What are opportunities that you hope to lean into as a disciple without the added burden of a spouse?

·         What are ways that you’ve found to encourage married couples to live up to the covenant model of marriage? When have you been able to better understand the relationship between Christ and the church as you’ve observed the marriage of devoted disciples?

For Couples Discussion:

·         A call to mutual submission out of reverence for Christ (v21) comes just before Paul calls on wives to submit to their husbands (v22). Our culture and our sin nature abhor submission, especially in relationship between husbands and wives. What are ways that you’ve found to reject the anti-authority air we breathe? How do you remember to choose submission in your relationship with God? With your husband? What are warning signs that you are not in submission? What are helpful ways for your husband to encourage your obedience to God?

·         God’s way of dealing with a rebel humanity was to, in love, serve them. This is also the duty of the Christian husband.  The Greek word for love in this passage is agapao which is not romantic or erotic love but rather the way God loves. Our culture’s notions of marital love couldn’t be further removed from this “God love.” How do you ensure that agapao love is present in your marriage? Husbands, what are warning signs that your love for your wife has missed the mark? How can your wife encourage your obedience to God?

Remembering that marriage is an opportunity to show the world a working model of the covenant love of Jesus for the church, helps us as we strive to make our marriage different from the cultural models and examples around us. In what ways do you feel your marriage is succeeding in showing the world a glimpse into the Gospel? What is one area, God helping you, which you would like to see it grow in this regard?